actress dance

Ladies, we want your sexuality! Sexuality makes the world go 'round. Well, it does at GetLusty for Couples anyway. We're not just talking about your bodies here – we want you to share your passion and energy with us. We want you to realize what a gift your sexuality really is, and not just for your partner, but also for the world. The level of passion you have in your libido reflects directly to the level of passion in your heart and mind, affecting every aspect of your life. Joanna Kennedy, owner and director of Center for Happiness, Love and Pleasure, explains how your sexuality truly is a gift for the world.
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I've truly come to realize the essential role our sexuality plays in enjoying a happy, healthy, vibrant, love-filled life. We so much more to give when our lives are rich, full, and overflowing with pleasure and joy. Our happiness and a skip in our step make others smile. It reminds them of the joy inside themselves.

You've experienced, or a least seen someone else with, that warm, alive, playful glow that has, "I've just had amazing sex," written all over it. We feel so alive in those moments. They can be the moments of our greatest creativity, our greatest generosity, our greatest connections.

Yet life has us busy. Deadlines keep us running. Exhaustion wins over lovemaking.

Do the world a favor this new year and connect with your sexuality. If you have a partner, make love with the openness of your heart. Find each other again, even if it's been years. If you're single, find something that turns you on – that awakens and raises the sexual energy in you – a book, movie, a dance, an activity, a conversation, a fantasy. Find something that stirs your juices and just enjoy the pleasure it brings to your body, the smile it can't help but put on your face.

Best-selling author and TV host, Dr. Oz says, "As a nation, we are in a sexual famine. Simply put, not enough people are getting down on a daily, weekly or even monthly basis." He reminds us, “We’re not having sex anymore, and we’re not doing things that bring us vitality and joy of life."

It's been documented that we live longer, healthier, happier lives when we're enjoying quality sex. I say it's time for us to connect with this powerful life force within ourselves and use if for good. I began a recent talk saying, "What makes you turned-on, alive and passionate in the bedroom is what will make your business turned-on, alive and passionate - making a big contribution to the world."

The more than 40 people in the room got a taste of what it's like to be on fire with desire – turned on by life and there wasn't a touch, kiss, or a physically intimate moment anywhere to be seen. We were simply beginning to understand that we don't have to turn off our fire, juice or passion when we leave the bedroom.

What would the world be like if we had more time and space, if we slowed our drive to just enjoy the simple pleasures again – a good hug, a warm drink, a smile, a conversation, a romp in the hay on Saturday afternoon? Can you find the time?

For years women have wanted men to connect their heart with their sexuality. Today, I believe it's time for women to reconnect their hearts with their sexuality. It's still true that for most women to be turned-on and fully open sexually, they need to be turned-on in their heart (Men, that's a hint). And, women, it seems that many of us as times, sometimes for a few days and sometimes for years or decades, settle just for love. When we do that we're missing out – missing out on a fundamental source of pleasure, joy, connection and vital energy. Women, it's time to allow this powerful source of energy, love and joy support us again. It's not something we can live without. Well, we can, but it depends on how you define living.

If something is blocking you – a physical pain or challenge, insecurity, shame, confusion, lack of knowledge – I don't care what it is; I invite and implore you to clear the roadblocks and reawaken the vibrant, creative and passionate you. Gift yourself with the abundant pleasure, the spiritual awakening power, the vitality that comes with reawakening and expressing your sexuality.

I invite you to offer that gift to your beloved – your alive awakened sexuality, and if it doesn't feel so alive anymore, then simply give him or her the gift of your willingness to re-explore it.

I invite you to give the world the gift of your passion, your excitement, your turn-on, your joy. The world needs more of our pleasure right now. We've repressed too much pain and loss. I wonder what would change if we found the time, space and energy to truly re-connect with each other – our deepest hearts with our families, our bodies and hearts with our beloveds, our passion and commitment to happiness, joy and healing with our neighbors, friends and the world.

I wonder what would happen...

Cross posted with permission from Happiness, Love and Pleasure.

Joanna founded the Center for Happiness, Love and Pleasure where she offers private sessions, products, and workshops that help liberate men and women to be their natural selves, have passionate sex lives, and create deeply loving relationships. She dedicates her life to helping men and women take off their masks, be themselves, and remember the power and potential of love. Personally, she practices living every moment of life as an expression of love, joy, peace, and passion, while keeping a constant focus on authenticity and intimacy. Follow her blog at Happiness, Love and Pleasure. Follow her on Facebook here.

GetLusty For Couples is looking for writers! Our mission? End boring sex for couples. Not just one kind of couple. All kinds of couples. In all shapes, ages (heavily focused on the 24-50 range), colors, genders and identities. We understand the line of sexuality doesn't stop at heterosexual.

Our writers benefit from our extensive network, social media publicity and much more benefits.

What we share? Passion for amazing relationships

We'll talk about a variety of perspectives on monogamy. Even poly. But at the end of the day, GetLusty believes your relationship can be beautiful between you two. Sex doesn't have to get stale or boring after years of love. Communication doesn't have to erode. If you choose to experiment, that's wonderful! But at the end of the day, we're all here to help you love better.

Not hetero? Write for us!

We support gay and straight couples equally. We believe in marriage equality. We support loving long-term relationships. Are you bi-sexual or gay? We want to hear from you! We're looking especially for writers to represent these perspectives. We'd love to feature specific advice that you've learned along the way. Would you like to hear about sex with disability? We're looking to empower those voices, too!

Apply to write for GetLusty for Couples. Fill the form out below!

With love,
Erica & Tim
co-Founders & Chief Lust Officers

Dick & Dildo December is over but Jizz January is here! We love oral sex, both giving it and receiving it. It is one of the most intimate experiences a couple can share together. Pleasing our partner is an amazing physical way to become that much closer. We have already featured articles on things you should not to do mid-blowjob, parts one and two. Camille Crimson, for example, talked about her favorite blowjob tips. Follow Camille's wonderful article, But what other things we should be doing while engaging in the blowjob? Since we have had great response to our cunnilingus 101 article, we thought it was about time we wrote a an article on the, blowjob 101. Here are our ten tips for giving an amazing blowjob! GetLusty's Lora Swarts reports.

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I am sure you have heard it before, "Sex is a lot like pizza. When it's bad, it's still pretty good." Men love oral sex and no matter what, when you are going down on him, he is in absolute heaven. Women? We need a little more than some mediocre pizza. So, if you really want to blow past his expectations and give him the best pizza he has ever had, read these ten tips on how to give a great blowjob! Sure oral sex is different for everyone, and that is why consent and communication are the only ways to know what he wants and what makes him feel good! Without further adieu....

Get accustomed with the penis anatomy 


Sure a penis is not as intricate as a vagina. But we think it's important to still educate ourselves on the penis anatomy so you know just what's going on!

Just like women, men don't always groom the hair down there. So don't feel grossed out or deny oral pleasure because your guy has a little pubic hair- hair is natural. What else is natural? Odor. You should never make someone feel bad for any kind of smell that is happening below the belt, because well, that is just rude and doesn't turn anyone on.

Making someone feel confident is the best kind of foreplay. If it is an issue though, mention you want to shower together pre-sex. It is not only a great way to bond and feel intimate, but you will feel clean and more willing to go down on each other. Now that that's over, let us move on to the anatomy. A human penis is the external sexual organ of a male. Now it certainly has more parts internally than externally, but unlike a vagina, we only focus for the most part, on the outer parts. The penis consists of the scrotum, glans (head) of the penis, shaft (corpus cavernosa and corpus spongisum), testes and urethral opening and foreskin. Now that we know what's going on down there, lets move on to the fun part! The actual blowjob! Here are our ten tips for giving great head.

#1 Eye contact 


Once and awhile, gaze up at your guy. There is nothing sexier then looking into each other's eyes as your mouth is wrapped around his penis. Hold his gaze for just a little bit, then return to focusing on the job at hand.

Always use this eye contact moment to see how he is doing. Listen for his moans, or watch his facial expressions. If something doesn't seem to be working for him, communicate.

#2 Use your hands! 

Sure it's a blow job, but your hands always make them better! Make an "o" shape with your hand and wrap it around his shaft. As you bob up and down his penis, your hand will act as though you are taking him all in at once! Plus the mixture of a hand job and blow job gives him different and pleasurable sensations.

#3 Lick him like an ice cream cone

I am sure this is a pretty self-explanatory tip. Keep your tongue flat and lick his penis from the base to the tip slowly like it's melting ice cream. Not only does this just look sexy, but it feels damn good for him too!  

#4  Play with his balls 

Since we just mentioned licking him like an ice cream cone, why not talk about the nuts that usually accompany the ice cream split? Licking his balls and gently sucking on them provide an amazing feeling. Gently stroke and lick by taking one ball in your mouth at a time and using your tongue to play with it. Then move on to the next ball.

#5 Pace yourself

Pacing is important in making a blowjob not only feel great, but it also keeps him on edge, anticipating the finale. Instead of having a constant rhythm bobbing up and down, try this! Bob up and down slowly five times. Then mix it up with three slow, two fast bobs. Mixing up your speed and pace helps with the anticipation- which is key to amazing oral.

#6 Tongue action 


Use your tongue and swirl it in circles around the tip/head of his penis. Then, go in the opposite direction. He will definitely gasp and moan since this area is super sensitive.
#7 Suction

Create a suction action, popping his penis in and out of your mouth. Place the back of your tongue on the roof of your mouth and then with his penis in your mouth, slide your tongue backward. It is like you're vacuuming his dick, in a pleasant way of course. Picture sucking on your thumb as a kid and his penis is your thumb. Some men are very sensitive however, so ask him to suck on your finger first, to show you how he intense he wants the suction to be.

#8 Explore

Depending on your guy, exploration can be really hot. Maybe play with his butt hole with your fingers.   Explore his scrotum territory. The scrotum is located behind the penis, and is the sac (pouch) that contains the testes, blood vessels and part of the spermatic cord. Lick his scrotum as you move your hand up and down his shaft. He will feel an ultimate wow sensation. Once you are ready for his cock again, guide your tongue up the underside of his penis and hear him moan as your suck his head back into your mouth.

#9 Play with yourself too

Sure giving a blowjob is all about well, his penis. But guess what? When you moan, groan and get turned on, he gets harder! So if you have a free hand, go ahead and start playing with yourself too. Don't forget to gaze up at him when you are sucking on his dick and playing with your clit. He will have trouble containing himself seeing you as excited as you are!

#10 Swallow?  

If you don't mind swallowing, do it! Or if swallowing isn't your thing, request that you want him to come all over your stomach, in between your breasts or on your face.

See what he wants and let him release however he wants (but we recommend either talking it out first or sensually talking about it throughout the process). That'll make his orgasm all the more wild!

Blowjobs shouldn't be intimidating and should just be fun. Communicate effectively and use some of these tips to make your blowjobs that much better. He will surely love to reciprocate back to you. And if he does, mention our cunnilingus 101 article for tips.

Lora is our Editorial intern and resident health nut. When she is not writing and editing, you can find her on her yoga mat, exploring Chicago via bicycle, or hanging out with her wonderful boyfriend and Beagle puppy in their north side apartment. She has a habit of spending too much money on soy lattes and yoga clothes. Find her on Twitter @HoneyNutLo. Have any questions? Email her at Lora@GetLusty.com!

Spanking seems like a lost art to many non-kinksters. More than taboo, it seems like it could be painful or malicious. At GetLusty, we're all about educating so you do it right. Spanking can be really enjoyable. It can also provide a different set of sensations during your sex sessions than you normally don't get. Before doing the more kinky activities, we do recommend you read Jean-Luc Gothos Sexual Negotiation 101 and talk about consent. Always, always, always talk about it before you do it! Let each other know you're curious about doing something different. You know--shaking things up a little.

That being said, you heard from our long-time writer Ellen Dukes about whipping and flogging. Now, how about a more rounded out view on erotic spanking? We think this practice is rather sexy, so GetLusty's Rachel Colias is here to report on why and how you can try this erotic foreplay artfully.

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Have your fantasies ever included being disciplined? Do you become aroused by rough, consensual play? Is the idea of being someone’s submissive partner one you enjoy? If you answered yes to any of these questions, or are excited by the scenarios, you may be interested in exploring erotic spanking! The technical term for being aroused by spanking is spankophilia, and you don’t have to be on the receiving end to enjoy it! Spankophilia also includes becoming aroused by delivering a spanking to other parties.

As simple as spanking sounds, those here at GetLusty for Couples are here to explain how complex it can really be. Between different positions, toys, foreplay, costumes and role play, it can get more complicated than you’d think. But if erotic spanking is something you want to try, or if you want to mix up your spanking routine, I’m sure we can offer you a great selection to choose from!

The possibilities for erotic spanking are so extensive that we’ve decided to split the article up into two parts. This first part outlines different positions and toys that are great for spanking.

While many may assume erotic spanking is a more modern kink, there’s evidence that it actually dates back to around the sixth century b.c. The evidence for this being an image found in an Etruscan burial site depicting an eroticized flagellation, or, flogging. This erotic punishment also permeated quite a bit into Victorian culture and, more specifically, pornography. Of course it’s hard to say where and when it truly started, but it’s hardly outdated! Let’s get started on the basics.

Positions 

What better place to start than the how? It’s easy to assume that most positions include a person being in a bent over position, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be that bland. Here are a few tips on different ways to set up the act: (Remember! You can add ankle, wrist, or body restraints to any of these positions!)

#1 The spanker sits in the middle of a long couch,  while the spankee — person being spanked — lays stomach-down across their lap with their ass positioned directly over the spanker’s crotch. If the spanker happens to be male-bodied, this gives the spankee a wonderfully exciting sensation when he/she/they start(s) to become aroused. This is also a pretty comfortable position for the spankee.

#2 The spankee kneels on a couch or chair, facing backwards, bending over with their hands on the back of the furniture. The spanker stands in front of the couch or chair, facing the spankee’s back. This gives the spanker a pretty dominant position considering they’re practically standing over the spankee and is perfect for dominant/submissive play.

#3 The spankee lies stomach-down on the floor, ass either flat or slightly elevated if you want to tuck a pillow under the spankee’s stomach, while the spanker either stands or kneels above them.

#4 A modification to the previous option, the spankee can also lay stomach-down on a bed, table, or any other flat surface that allows for the spanker to stand over them.

#5 Both the spanker and spankee are standing for this one. The spankee leans slightly forward, hands either flat against a wall or holding on to something like a table or door frame. The spanker stands behind or slightly beside the spankee.

#6 Of course, the classic spankee bent over the spanker’s lap. This is different from the first scenario in that it’s generally performed in a chair where the spankee is entirely bent over, not just lying down. Again, if the spanker is male-bodied there’s an added pleasure bonus for the spankee!

#7 The spankee bends over a table, lying stomach-down on its surface, while the spanker stands behind.

#8 The spankee is bent over the shoulder or the arm of the spanker.

#9 Looking for something a little more serious and expensive? Try purchasing a spanking bench! This apparatus comes in quite a few positional styles and can include rings for restraints.

All of the above-mentioned techniques are suggestions that can easily be modified to fit different scenarios or furniture. If you have any personal favorites I haven’t mentioned, leave them in the comments below!

Toys

But what do we do with all these new, fun situations? Here are a few toys, or spanking tools, you can integrate into the process now that you’ve assumed the position:

#1 In honor of #SexToyTuesday, my first suggestion is Chicago’s Early To Bed Jack Boot Paddle (to the right). Be warned, this paddle is not for beginners or light dabblers. This boot-shaped paddle packs a punch! The boot print is made of rubber and the paddle wood, so there is NO give! When you get spanked, you will definitely feel it!

#2 If the serious-business paddles aren’t really your style, why not try the back of a hairbrush? It’s much smaller and while plastic or wood still stings, it’s easier and cheaper to experiment with. Similarly, you can use a wooden spoon.

#3 Another wooden option would be a cane, which comes in all lengths and girths.

#4 Standard paddle (comes in materials such as soft leather, rubber, or wood and can even be found with feathers or a soft material cover for a lighter sensation).

#5 Riding crop, which is long and generally comes with a handle on one end and small, flat spanking surface on the other. These are effective in causing quick, sharp and stinging sensations.

#6 The classic hand. While pretty standard and totally free, there is definitely a variety of techniques that can be used. These include flat hand with fingers spread, cupped hand, hard open palm, an immediate spank-and-grope, and basically anything else you can think of!

#7 Although this isn’t necessarily “spanking,” flogs and whips are also great for delivering a backside-beating.

As always, feel free to comment about your own favorite toys!

You've heard from GetLusty about intimacy and sensuality in sex - about intimacy before and after. So how about making the act itself - whether that's intercourse or foreplay - more sensual? Our newest writers, the cutest counseling couple we've seen recently, Dr. Janelle Alex, Ph.D. and Rob Alex, M.Sc., are here to shed light on sensuality in sex.

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When you hear the word “sensual” you are most likely going to relate it to something sexual. If someone says to you, “You should try these strawberries. They are the most sensual fruit I have ever tasted,” where does your mind go?

Does it click in on just the fact that those strawberries must have been ripened to perfection? Or does your mind instantly click to a sexy image of biting into the fruit? What if someone offers to take you on a sensual journey? The first thing that probably comes to mind is the sexual scenario implied by such an offer and not the possibility he/she was just inviting you to the local grocery and department store. That could be sensual after all – taste this food, smell that cologne, feel this fabric, hear that song, read those tabloid headlines.

Yet, isn’t doing your regular shopping something you sometimes dread. It has become boring. It feels like a chore. You just want to hurry up and get it over with because you know you need to do it, but really don’t want to. Uh oh, those descriptions might well cover something else in your life. Sex.

Sex can absolutely be animalistic and a "rip your clothes off and jump on your partner" experience, but it can be very slow and sensual too. It should never just be about taking off your clothes, getting under the covers, groping each other a couple of minutes and then bumping and grinding for a few more minutes. So, how can you explore sensuality and bring it back into your sex life? Remember that sensual means that you are gratifying the senses. Satisfying all of your desires such as seeing, touching, smelling, hearing, and tasting is where sensuality really arrives on the scene. And, guess what, satisfying your sixth sense – your intuition or spiritual self, is quite sensual too.

Here are 5 ways to make your intimate play sensual. Bonus: Call it intimate play ;) That changes it up right from the start.

#1 Focus on sensation

Wear clothing that feels good on your skin. Silk is a common suggestion here as it is cool to touch and so smooth. The feel of it brushing against your skin throughout the day can be a turn on. And, when your partner touches you through the silk that can be extremely exciting for both of you. If you don’t want to wear a sensual type of material during the day, then pick up some silk scarves or a feather or something velvety. Then you can use these different items to drag over your lover’s skin later in the evening. Focus on the sensation of the material or item touching you. It may be relaxing, tickly, or it may just have you ready to grab your lover and get busy.

#2 Light up your senses

Bring different flavors and smells into your lovemaking. One interesting way to do this is to get the Sexy Challenge: Lips Like Sugar as it offers you unique insight into trying different tastes with and/or upon your partner. Adding different flavors to your physically intimate life with your beloved can occur in a variety of ways. Food may seem like an obvious thing to bring into your lovemaking and there are many ways to do that, but don’t overlook flavored lubes as well. There are also a vast number of ways to bring in amazing aromas. Scented candles (we always recommend flameless candles for safety), lotions, colognes, lubes, and the different food items are all great ways to enhance your sensuality.

#3 Listen

What about hearing? How can you make that sensual? You could whisper sexy phrases or words of love into your partner’s ear. You could turn on music that you both enjoy and that will get you in the mood.

But what about hearing the sound of your lover’s laughter? Bringing laughter and silliness into your sex life can be an amazing experience. Just let go and be goofy together. Laughter and lightheartedness will bring powerful, playful passion into your life and hopefully, you will come to appreciate the sensuous sound of your lover’s laugh.

#4 Massage

Time for a little naked massage! Yay! This actually satisfies more than one sense. With low lighting you can visually soak up the beauty of your sweetie all oiled up and glistening, but you can enjoy the aromas of scented oils or just the animalistic smell of him/her too. With both of you naked you can take turns rubbing your hands, your feet and your entire body – yep, genitals are great massage tools too – over your lover.

#5 Focus on their pleasure

Last but not least, we highly recommend that you pay attention and be consciously aware not only during foreplay and lovemaking, but at the peak of orgasm, after you are coming down from orgasm and for the next couple of days.

How do you feel? Did you notice anything out of the ordinary – visions, images, an extreme sense of bliss or simply like you entered a void or time was suspended? Sexual orgasmic energy taps you into the creative source (call it whatever you like – the Universe, Spirit, God, the Divine or even I don’t know what it is, but it sure feels goooood). This access to creativity through orgasm is why we want you to pay attention up to a few days later to see if you are more creative, have new ideas, solve problems easier than normal or maybe you just have a bigger smile on your face and feel energized.

Use these five ways to bring more sensuality into your sex life and we believe you will transform your relationship and take your intimacy to a higher level – no matter where it is now.

We're so excited to get a couple writing for GetLusty! They're both adorable, smart and altogether wonderful!

Dr. Janelle Alex, Ph.D. and Rob Alex, M.Sc. are writers, counselors as well as Sacred and Sensual Teachers. They recently completed an eBook on "Sexy Challenges: Sacret and Sensual Experiences for Lovers" which is on sale at Amazon! Learn more about them on Sexy Challenges.

Ladies, can we talk? While the good folks at GetLusty want you and your partner to get your freak on as much as possible, we know it’s just not as awesome if your bodies aren’t feeling so great. So we’ve put together a list of books geared toward all the crazy things that go on inside those beautiful bodies. And, let’s face it, there’s a LOT going on. These books rock because they are straightforward and sex-positive. Take care of you! GetLusty writer Stephanie Vanderwall reports.

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#1 Sex Matters For Women, Second Edition: A Complete Guide to Taking Care of Your Sexual Self


By Sallie Foley, MSW, Sally A. Kope, MSW, and Dennis P. Sugrue, Ph.D.

Sex is talked about more openly today than ever before, but if you still struggle with sexual myths, self-doubt, and "embarrassing" questions, you are in good company. Now in a fully updated second edition, this trusted guide has already helped many thousands of women understand how their bodies work and take charge of their sexuality. The authors are experienced therapists who interweave candid reflections from diverse women with current, science-based information, exercises, and advice. You'll find answers to everything from how to have more satisfying sex to questions about body image, anatomy, hormones, relationships, sexual orientation, sexually transmitted infections, and trauma. If sexuality is a lifelong journey consider this book a roadmap for self-discovery and growth.

Hilda Hutcherson, M.D., author of What Your Mother Never Told You About Sex says: "This second edition takes a classic book on female sexuality to another level. It is comprehensive and grounded in research, yet fun to read alone or with a partner. With a focus on female sexual satisfaction and pleasure, this book is a 'must have' for women of all ages and backgrounds. I can't wait to share it with my daughter!"

Beverly Whipple, Ph.D., coauthor of The G Spot calls it "the most comprehensive book on women's sexual health I have ever read. The clear, positive information and the suggested exercises cover all aspects of women's sexuality and offer ways for women to take charge of their sexual selves. The second edition features new information and resources, offered in a supportive and affirming manner, which will help readers, develop sexual comfort, confidence, and satisfaction. A 'must read' for women of all ages."

#2 What’s Up Down There?: Questions You’d Only Ask Your Gynecologist If She Was Your Best Friend

By Lissa Rankin, M.D.

Suppose you had a wise, warm, funny best friend—who just happened to be a gynecologist. You’re out with the girls for cocktails and the conversation turns to sex, and then to girly parts. One by one, you start asking her all the questions you’ve secretly wondered about—and discover that you have a lot in common.

If you were to write those questions down, then you’d have What’s Up Down There?, a life-changing little book that answers: Do old ladies have saggy vaginas?, How do male gynecologists have a sex life without feeling like they’re stuck at the office?, Is it normal for your inner labia to hang out of your outer labia?, Can the baby feel its mom having sex during pregnancy?, How common is it for one's boobs to be two totally different sizes? And so much more! As outrageously funny as it is empowering, this book reveals how to love yourself and your body; and will have you recommending it to every woman you know.

Diana Daffner, author of Tantric Sex For Busy Couples says: “Dr. Lissa Rankin has written a courageous book, providing information about topics that few others are willing to tackle. And when she doesn’t know the answer, she says so, giving us all the more reason to trust the answers she does give. What’s Up Down There dispels myths while reminding us of the beauty and mystery of our girl-bodies.”

“This was a really fun book to read, a real treasure trove of user-friendly information about the female body. Dr. Rankin really does come across as the reader's girlfriend, with her fun, down to earth, informal writing style…I love how the book ended with chapters on female empowerment and reclaiming ownership of your yoni. This isn't just some book of medical information; it's a gateway into learning to love the female body and to take it back from all the negative societal messages out there denigrating women and female sexuality. These really are the types of questions most women would never think to ask their gynecologist unless she were their best friend, and the kinds of dialogues that the average modern doctor doesn't have time for.” –Amazon Customer

#3 When Sex Hurts: A Woman’s Guide To Banishing Sexual Pain

By Andrew Goldstein, M.D., Caroline Pukall, Ph.D., and Irwin Goldstein, M.D.

For the 20 million women who suffer from painful intercourse: this is the first book to address the multiple causes and the available treatments. Painful sex is a condition that causes embarrassment and silence—often going undiscussed or misdiagnosed. As many as 40 percent of women that suffer from pain during sex won’t seek medical care. And most medical professionals are still in the dark when it comes to women’s sexual pain.

Now, three leading experts tackle the stereotypes, myths, and realities of sexual pain in this easy-to-understand, accessible guide that will help you get the help you need and deserve. Drs. Goldstein, Pukall, and Goldstein offer answers to your most pressing questions, as well as: up-to-date information on the more than 20 causes of sexual pain, how to choose the right doctor—and how to interpret your doctor’s lingo, valuable tips for understanding sexual pain, and what can be done about it, and how to rebuild sexual intimacy once the pain is gone. Featuring groundbreaking research and stories from women who’ve also suffered—and recovered—When Sex Hurts provides all of the tools you need to stop hurting and start healing.

Cindy Meston, Ph.D., Professor of Clinical Psychology, University of Texas at Austin, author of Why Women Have Sex calls it “the most comprehensive, accessible, and illuminating look into women’s sexual pain ever written, packed with up-to-date and invaluable information. When Sex Hurts is a must read for any woman, or partner of a woman, who has experienced painful sex.”

“I really enjoyed this book. It goes into so much detail and lets you know all the possible causes and it tells you how to talk to your doctor and working together for the best treatment. It also made me hopeful that I may not have to live with this forever and that there are treatments that are less invasive then surgery that may work. I think anyone suffering from vaginal pain should read this book!” –Amazon Reader


Stephanie Vanderwall has long believed she is a gay man trapped in a woman's body. She is a lover of good food, good sex and good grammar. A recent transplant to Chicago, she spends her free time with her super-duper-fly boyfriend and their three "kids" (2 cats, 1 dog). She has a blog she writes in every so often. She's still trying to get the whole Twitter thing down, but you can follow her @Vanderfloozie. Want to get in touch with her? Email stephanie@getlusty.com.

So we just jumped straight into polyswinging and then polyamory. It's going to keep popping up, of course. Why? We're all about exploring ways to make your relationship better. Polyamory might be it? You never know. O.M. Grey, a knowledgeable polyamory writer and prolific blogger, talks about the characteristics of a polyamorists. Is your relationship ready for polyamory? O.M. Grey explains more. Read on!

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I’ve learned so  much in the past two years. And I’m going to share it with you without holding back. Not even a little bit. This is “my truth,” as the new-agey, responsibility-avoiding people like to say.

My husband and I have been polyamorous for about seven years. Although, I suppose the first few were much more about being a non-descript form of an open marriage since we weren’t seeking multiple, committed, loving relationships. The theory behind our lifestyle is what I’ve said again and again: Love breeds love and desire breeds desire. Any encounter we had outside our marriage during those first few years were very open and the intentions on both sides were very, very clear.

When we moved into practicing polyamory (seeking out another committed, loving relationship) I learned not everyone has the same definition of polyamory as us. Well, as those people who are successfully practicing a polyamory lifestyle do.

So let's take apart, "poly" and "amory" to understand better.

What is poly?

Most people who love to call themselves (and hide behind) “poly” are really focused on quantity rather than quality. Alright. I can have more than one girlfriend/lover. So, I’m going to have three! Because, let’s see... I’ve never been able to make a relationship with one woman work long term, so I’m going to try with three! That’s the ticket! That’s the answer! That’s where I’ve been going wrong for the past 15 years!

Most people I’ve met in the Austin poly community are not practicing polyamory. They’re dating. They go from several short-term relationships to several short-term relationships, none lasting more than 3-6 months. Hello! Not polyamory! That’s dating! And not dating very successfully because they keep ending!

Also in the Austin, poly community are several truly polyamorous families. They are what’s known as the “core group.” One of them even call themselves the polypod, and I think that’s rather adorable. The polypod, from what I’ve seen (and I’ve only seen them from a distance), as well as the few other multi-relationship groups who I know a little better and I’d consider friends, are doing it well. And by well, I mean successfully. They are open, honest, respectful, loving and supportive. They commit and invest in their relationships.

They might have casual sex on the side from time to time, but it’s after their current relationships are firmly established and secure. Because, after all, it’s about more love… not more sex. And the few times you need to fulfill that biological need with someone different, then be honest about that. Never lie to get laid. How disgusting.


What about 'amory' or love?

The most successful polyamorous relationships I’ve seen focus much more on the “amorous” part of the word, less on the “poly” part. It’s about love! It’s all about love! Relationships take effort, investment, time and energy to solidify. If you claim to be poly, think about this: If you want to be poly, think about this:

Take. One. Relationship. At. A. Time.

When your first relationship has a solid foundation (and I mean SOLID foundation), the kind that takes at least a year, if not more, to establish, then look for a second one. This is not a race to see who can have the biggest harem. And, by the way, if you’re building a harem. YOU’RE NOT POLY! You’re a misogynist and a predator who sees women as life support systems for their pussies.

How to become polyamorous 

Romantic relationships contain drama (how I’ve come to loathe that word). It’s built in. Everyone has their insecurities and their baggage. Everyone has their idiosyncrasies. It takes time to build a solid foundation and learn how to communicate with each other. Build trust. Establish and maintain intimacy. Minimize and handle inevitable conflicts. Ease through misunderstandings. Manage fears and insecurities on both side. Get to a level of comfort and security in yourselves and each other.

Then, open up to dating others. I’m not talking about casual sex unless that’s specifically what you’re looking for. If it is, be very up front about that. Because polyamory means multiple, loving, committed relationships, or the pursuit thereof. Set clearly defined rules and don’t break them, or that will damage the trust you just spent a year building. Once you meet someone you think you can form a deeper relationship with, close off dating others. Focus on solidifying that second relationship while maintaining the first for another year!

Insecurities will pop up. Jealousies (and yes, they don’t magically disappear when you label yourself polyamorous) and misunderstandings will arise.

Give yourself time to learn about, develop, and nurture this other love. Commit yourself to making it work, for, again (and I repeat myself so much because so many people just don’t get it).
  
Healthy relationships require effort, investment and responsibility!

After the second relationship is solidified and the first is stronger than before, and you still have extra time/needs that aren’t being met, then look for a third relationship. But always remember, finding another significant other isn’t about finding someone better, it’s about increasing the love and the desire among your own little polypod. It’s about ensuring that everyone you love feels loved, not ignored or pushed to the side or replaced.

It’s about more love. Always, more love.

If you don’t have time/energy/capacity to manage, maintain, nurture, and grow one or two relationships, plus your job, plus your kids, plus time for yourself and your friends – why do you want another? It’s a recipe for disaster and heartache on many levels. You don’t date someone for three months and say, “Okay, ‘primary’ – check. We’re ‘solid,’ so who’s next?”

Fuck that. You’re not solid after three months. You’re barely starting. And if you run at the first sign of struggle, then, guess what, you're not a poly! If you find yourself saying “I want to be able to do what I want when I want, without responsibility or accountability,” then you’re not poly. You’re selfish.

The last two years have been difficult, as you all have seen from reading this blog, especially the past few months. Do you really think my marriage could’ve survived (let alone thrived and gotten stronger) if it hadn’t been quite literally unshakable?

And for those of you looking for you 100%-genuinely-happy-all-the-time-easy-no-drama-or-responsibility-perfect love? Grow the fuck up. There is no such thing. When you are a perfect partner, you’ll find your fairy tale perfect love. And let me tell you, mister, you’ve got a long fucking way to go. I guess the anger portion of the grieving has set in. It’s about fucking time.

This was a post by O.M. Grey. The original post can be found on her blog here.

Nestled in the mountains of Northern California, Olivia M. Grey lives in the cobwebbed corners of her mind writing paranormal romance with a Steampunk twist. She dreams of the dark streets of London and the decadent deeds that occur after sunset. As an author of Steamy Steampunk, as well as a poet, blogger, podcaster, and speaker, Olivia focuses both her poetry and prose on alternative relationship lifestyles and deliciously dark matters of the heart and soul.

Her work has been published in various anthologies and magazines like Stories in the Ether, Steampunk Adventures, SNM Horror Magazine and How The West Was Wicked. Her premier Steampunk BDSM erotica novel, Avalon Revisited, is an Amazon.com Gothic Romance bestseller. She loves to host tea parties, and she runs a delightful game of charades, Victorian style. Follow her on Twitter @omgrey and subscribe to her on Facebook.

Masturbation is a healthy and natural act of self-love. Stressed out? Masturbate! Feeling horny? Masturbate! We recommend both she and he masturbate. Since masturbation seems to be such a great way to release and improve on oneself, we thought it would be interesting to take the idea of masturbation to relationships. Jacsman, our favorite resident writer on long-term gay relationships, is here with advice on how to masturbate or "whack off" 10 relationship myths that keep us from growing closer and becoming more intimate with one another.

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Masturbation as metaphor

Masturbation’s impulsive pleasure is one of the most significant joys that we bring with us into our relationships. As we took our pleasure into our own hands before — “polishing-the-pearl” during tea break, or “whacking-it-off” while waiting for the midday news report to commence — within coupledom, we have this agency in our partnership satisfaction. When that opportunity comes up during the day, we are intentional: we whack-it-off and then proceed with the rest of our occupations. What better sense of achievement (in under fifteen minutes) is there?

Masturbation is essential to sustaining the hearty sexual satisfaction we need in ourselves to experience satisfaction in our lovers. So I have paramount agency in my psychosexual satisfaction, being dependent on your lover for such satisfaction is problematic. It is potentially unhealthy for your relationship, since creating and making demands of your lover on a daily basis will empty them out in no time at all.

Prioritize your love 

Only if partners have their personal psychosexual satisfactions firmly in hand can the prime achievement of coupledom intimacy contribute to lovers’ experience of commitment. There are of course gradations of intimacy, and these are comparatively opaque in gay relationships, perhaps not from within our partnerships, but particularly from the outside looking in.

Though we do not need to follow heterosexual touchstones, to the larger part of the LGBTQ community the intimacy markers of engagement, marriage, and parenthood that characterise the bond between heterosexual couples are out of reach. Lacking such socio-culturally recognized status can be a source of dubiety in a gay partnership, becoming problematic when it interferes with the expression of feelings in the relationship.

The commitment that continued sexual and emotional involvement might imply can remain ambiguous indefinitely. Instead of just whacking-it-off, sitting down and doing it, talking honestly and transparently about our options/expectations and identifying/prioritizing our intimacy goals, we put this important communication off and continue getting by on assumption. In particular, gay men can be scared off by the intensity of prioritizing intimacy in this way. I suspect it is because we are, at first, virgins to the deeply gratifying pleasure resulting from taking hold of the opportunity to communicate quite so honestly and just whacking-it-off, getting it done, and then persisting in doing it. Committing to it until it is habit.

Hopefully, it's clear by this point why I am riding this masturbation metaphor. Masturbation in my committed sexual relationship serves to ensure my pleasure, distance, and time apart from my lover to see to my agency in my personal psychosexual satisfaction. Prioritizing and habituating honesty, transparency, and the celebration of our authentic love for each other serves to ensure our deepest pleasure, our sincerest intimacy, and most precious anniversaries together. You’ll come to cherish this pleasure too and in any moment during your day!

Relationship myths

What gives me great pleasure to tell you is that by whacking-off your intimacy and partnership priority, you'll come to understand the truth of your commitment and the true pleasure of your relationship, sexual and otherwise. Just as most couples, we buy into at least one of the common, and dare I say heterosexual socio-cultural myths, that mislead us in our most important interpersonal relationship. After all, LGBTQ souls, in wonderment, integrated the same fairy tales all people share in collective consciousness: Prince Charming, the Sleeping Beauty, Brave Huntsman, the Wicked Stepmother, and need I even mention Happily Ever After?

In "The Heart of Love," John F. Demartini notes that American President John F. Kennedy once pointed out, “The great enemy of truth is very often not the lie — deliberate, contrived, and dishonest — but the myth — persistent, persuasive, and unrealistic”. Most valid here, his surety for realistic living is to stop enjoying “the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought."

Going beyond fantasy to find true relationship fulfillment makes it necessary for us to prioritize our love’s truth and transparency; once a couple is in the habit of eliminating this, the joy of emancipation from false relationship myths climaxes in most intense relationship intimacy, sexually or otherwise.

The 10 relationship myths to "whack-off"

Rubbing out the following ten myths can, in some cases very ironically, be the most poignant bonding experiences for gay couples:

#1 My relationship makes me happy

Nope, you make you happy.

#2 My soulmate completes me

You are a complete human being in and of yourself.

#3 A “real” relationship will last forever 

All relationships are real and all relationships last as long as it is real for the lovers.

#4 Once we overcome choppy waters it will be smooth sailing 

Afraid not; storms come and go.

#5 A good relationship requires sacrifice 

Think again. Fulfilling coupledom requires communication and understanding, not martyrdom.

#6 Great sex happens only at the beginning of a relationship

Ecstatic sex can be honed from mutual understanding, trust, and intimacy, all grown over time.

#7 In the right relationship, I won’t have to work at it 

Commitment requires continued practice.

#8 In a relationship, I’ll never feel lonely 

Your feelings are involuntary, your lover cannot rescind them.

#9 Children can validate our commitment 

Your commitment is not your child’s/children’s responsibility.

#10 Opposites attract

You are not a couple of fridge magnets.

When to "Whack-it-off"

Once rid of the delusions, it becomes a matter of rhythm how you whack-it-off. It is your dialogical business as lovers to nurture mutual understanding, trust, and intimacy with each other. The 21st century lifestyle doesn’t allow for too many of these engagements, and while there is no magic number appropriate for every relationship, I consider one or two times per month as the bare-assed minimum to sustain relationship development. Calendaring might sound too businesslike, but calendaring is proactive prioritization of both your lover and your relationship. Setting a date with your partner assures a night of potency on the docket, more often than not in both cases: emotional and orgasmic. Everything leading up to the date is effectively edging, until, together, you whack-it-off.

Even the most time strapped, communicatively challenged partners should never miss mandatory (birthday, anniversary, etc.) opportunities to prioritize their love and consideration for each other, when any excuse less than anaphylactic shock won't exempt a partner from duty to commitment and love. Also, create your practicable fairy tale by inventing your own "touchstone" moments.

In a future GetLusty post, I will arouse your imagination on how to recognize and lovingly carve out such mandatory opportunities to whittle on your intimacy communication. The best place to start however, is to get lusty for it and just whack-it-off. Just do it. Get Lusty endeavours to get couples there, whether straight or gay.

Develop and understand your relationship better; again, whether a gay or straight couple, turn the lust up for one another and subscribe to GetLusty. GetLusty guides us towards intimate understanding of our love for each other as we all aspire to nurture the kind of commitment that can sustain our souls. I’ll do near anything to help you get your lust on for your lover, and share the joy and learning from it with the lovers of the world.

Do It well, do It safe.
Jacsman


He studies and writes about men and masculinity in MSM relationships, and gay couples getting lusty is JacoPhillip’s cup of tea. Our resident advisor on gay long-term relationships, JacoPhillip Crous is also known as Jacsman. A sex life educator, Jacsman consults in-person, on Skype, and by telephonic private sessions with couples and solo clients on ecstatic and intimate psycho-sexual lifestyle and development.

Jacsman promotes male2male dialogue that furthers understanding of masculine sexuality and MSM relationships. A research psychologist, he explores and investigates male psycho-sexual self-development phenomena, behaviours, experiences and knowledgeability. Find out more about JacoPhillip at: http://about.me/Jacsman.

Because superstars are amazing kissers. Either way, kissing is beautiful! Who doesn't enjoy a great kiss as part of  foreplay? Kissing is a wonderful part of foreplay. And what better time to think about how to enjoy your lover than Dick & Dildo December? Well, have we got some great tips for you! Dr. Carlen, our favorite Sexologist from London, Ontario, is here to give you some tips to make the most of this aspect of your foreplay experience.

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One of the most iconic visuals of love and admiration that pop culture falls back on is through the public witness of a kiss. One can say that a kiss can either make or break not only you, but a potential intimate relationship. Bad kissing is up there for being one of the top ten reasons why you shouldn’t turn down a second date, but who’s to say it doesn’t have a small part if you’re sitting on the edge?

“The definition of a kiss is relatively simple: It is either the mouth-to-mouth orientation of two individuals or the pressing of one’s lips on some other part of another’s body” (Science of Kissing, Sheril Kirshenbaum). Kissing, no matter where you`re from, how you do it or who you`re doing it to is one of the most intimate ways we can connect with another person. In our swapping of spit, twisting tongues and locking lips, kissing has always been part of the language of love, yet only a few have mastered it’s techniques.

Whether it’s innate or a cultural phenomenon, the panel is still out. Either way, here are a few tips for making your next kiss a lip locker rocker rather than a tongue tied mistake.

#1 Oral hygiene

Is your mouth well equipped to take on a lip locking adventure? What some people forget is that a kiss not only involves just the lips, but when you’re rolling in the deep the rest of your mouth comes along for the ride. Keeping your oral hygiene up by visiting your dentist at minimum twice per year, along with your own personal regiment requires planning and toothy tenacity that can make or break you at ‘hello’.

Make sure you’re rocking some fresh breath, keeping your tongue scraped daily and floss when you can. No one likes the entrée to appear in their mouth after dessert. On a big date and need to keep it fresh? Don’t worry it’s easy to make sure you’re packing. Keeping a pack of breath mints or gum makes sure you’ve practiced safe breathe & kiss safely (Dentyne gum); especially if you’re a lover of fine foods such as coffee, wine or garlic. Taking care of your entire mouth will only make it more appealing when those pearly whites appear for a good ol’ flirt-on.

#2 Loaded lips

As sexy as it is in music videos when the star has lacquered lips – along with a makeup artist and professional lighting, one of the downsides is usually a main squeeze with a glossy face that is nothing short of just a sticky mess. Lip chap, lipstick with stain, and a light gloss that you can reapply all keep your pout pretty but make them kissable and fabulously desirable at the same time.

Men need to be aware of lip maintenance care too. No one likes to kiss a chappy chap! All men, especially when you’re facing cold & dry climates, need to also remember to keep their lips luscious with some daily maintenance too. Keep a lip balm with SPF in your man bag, inner coat pocket or desk drawer. Balms with mint, light berry or my favourite Dr. Pepper flavors keep any lip lover always coming back for a second taste.

#3 Kissing style

Whether you’re in a heavy make out or having your first kiss, when the slip of the tongue ensues, keep it classy & sassy instead of saucy and raunchy. If you find that your mate is pulling away a little, they might just be coming up for air and trying to avoid the suction of your Bermuda-triangle tongue. Mix up your style to avoid this mishap! A little lip suck, a mildly twisty tongue, a bottom lip nibble… all bring you attention when penning your kiss signature. But just be sure you exercise your new techniques at the right time. No one likes to see a make out session in front of Grandma at Thanksgiving. Light kisses, deep kisses, fun kisses and pecks are all ways to mix it up and keep your lover at labial attention.

#4 The body kiss

It’s easy to forget that an awesome kiss involves more than just the right lip lock magic. To leave a lasting impression involves your whole body.

Using your hands to lightly caress her back, pressing your hips closer to theirs, blowing lightly on their necks and nibbling their earlobes are all ways to pump up the volume on a kiss that will leave a lasting impression.

Often, we can find ourselves focusing too much on our mouths instead of feeling the flow of the moment. Kissing on the lips is only one way we can connect with our mouths physically to someone. It’s important to use the rest of your body to send positive signals that you’re in the moment and you’re just as interested as they are. The right caress or kiss in another erogenous zone, such as the neck or collarbone can trigger pleasurable sensations that pulse right through the entire body.

#5 Luscious lip attitude

The main thing to remember when deciding to go in for the kill is to have confidence and a sexified attitude. Having the confidence and knowing for you that you are a delicious diva and can pick up that lover for a ride to pleasure town is one of the hottest assets a person can have. It’s all about your attitude and confidence going into it. If you’re having fun, your lip locking lover will be too! So get out there and make sure they remember you with your signature kiss.

Originally posted on Dr. Carlen's Sexy Living Tumblr.

Dr. Carlen Costa is pretty awesome. A resident of London, Ontario in Canada, she's making waves in London and beyond.

As a Sexologist, "Sexy Living with Dr. Carlen" is the creation of a safe space in order to discuss concerns, desires or general questions in regards to your relationship with your partner, yourself, and others. Send me questions, send me your thoughts! Through this we will cater to all orientations, genders and age groups. We are all Sexy beings, and should feel as such in our own skins. Find Dr. Carlen on Twitter @DrCarlen and 'Like' her Facebook page.

Men and women love head. We love to receive and hopefully, we love to give as well. Camille Crimson has given us lots of useful blowjob tips, and we've also asked men 6 ways not to ask for head. But we haven't had a male's perspective yet! How about for those giving head Thank goodness Brendan White is aboard the GetLusty for Couples team! He has cleverly written on 5 things you should never do during a blowjob. Part two is coming soon.

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