actress dance

So you're curious about BDSM. You've done a little whipping. Maybe you want to try something a little more edgy. Remember, this article comes from the dominant/ Master perspective. In this case, Master Gothos signs a contract (or agreement) with his submissives. If or when you create your own contracts, they likely will look a lot different. Jean-Luc educates on the importance of BDSM contracts.

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So you’ve read 50 Shades of Grey. You've either convinced your husband or boyfriend that you want a dominant/submissive component to your relationship. Or maybe they've come to you saying that they want to add this component to your relationship. You remember in the Fifty Shades, there was a contract and tell them you want one.

What we're reviewing

Here, we're go over what a real dominant/submissive or BDSM contract looks like. Keeping in mind that this is just one way of doing this sort of thing, and that there are many different kinds of contracts for scene play. We are just going to cover the basic concepts of the dominant/ submissive contract.


A note on safety 

A couple notes of safety here. Only do this with partners you trust and have a good solid relationship with, money should never be part of this process. Contracts are an expansion of a relationship that wants to take a more committed track and contracts normally include a permanent collar. At least in my opinion, but then I like Oreos and chocolate milk at the same time. I’m crazy like that.

Why a contract?

Ok so the first thing you should have in your contract, and just like in the book. It should list all of your hard limits. I think of these as the, 'not in a fucking million years' or, 'for any amount of money ever' limits. You should know your limits and what you do and don’t like. For me, I draw the line with knife play, golden showers, needle play, or anything that involves blood. This is why communication is so very important in the dominant/submissive relational dynamic. You have to be completely open and honest about what turns you on and what turns you off.

Decide what you like

The next thing listed in the contract should be your likes, wants, desires, and things you might be curious about. So if you enjoy being tied up and hung from the ceiling and used as a pinata of sexual pleasure, that should be in the contract. As should any expectations you have for your Dom. This will be the rare time you can and should be talking freely as equals. Nothing should be left unsaid during this time.

Now, the contract will also have all the expectations that your dominant will have for you. Personally, I have some big expectations that I include in the contracts that I have issued in the past. So I’ll use a past contract as an example. I’m a strong believer in the K.I.S.S. concept of life. Keep It Super Simple. I despise the word stupid hence the modified version.

A sample contract

So here is an example of what you might expect if you were to enter into a contract with me. Also I tend to enjoy having domestic submissives, so this contract will reflect that (as I’m terrible with house work). Also, because this is consensual either party can end a contact at anytime.

The contract

You are hereby entering into a contracted dominant/submissive relationship. All expectations will be met or punishment will be given out. This relationship can be ended by either party at anytime.

The Submissive's Obligations

#1 You will be available to me at all times.
#2 You will be active in keeping yourself healthy with Diet and Exercise.
#3 You will maintain the house as described and directed by me.
#4 You will maintain contact with me during the day, and you will check in with me if you will be late getting home. This part is important and I will explain more here in a bit.
#5 You will have dinner ready at exactly the same time every night unless I have said otherwise.

Submissive Hard Limits

It would be here that the submissive would list all of his or her hard limits and the things they won’t do as far as sex play and kink.

This next half of the contract would explain the expectations that the Submissive would have of his or her dom(me). This would also be where the dom(me) would list their hard limits and those acts they won’t be taking part in.

Now a couple of notes, this is a living document it can be adjusted as needed by either person. I have a very hard line when it comes to my subs. I expect them to be home when I get home, and I expect them to be waiting by the door as I generally tend to be home the same time every night. I also tend to lean towards domestic submissives as I’ve mentioned earlier, I’m terrible with housework. My mind is normally on other things and it’s normally an afterthought because I’m so distracted by other things. So most of my contracts tend to reflect that aspect.

A note on the contract

I take contracts very seriously, because it’s a written agreement. Although I don’t take it this far, there are some Dom(me)s that will have contracts notarized as legal documents. I have always believed that if you have gotten to the point you want to make the commitment of a contract, you have built up a very strong trust of each other so there is no need to take it to that extreme.

A word on the dominant in this contract (AKA me)

My contracts come with a collar and a promise to take care of my submissives. Although a lot of people have been saying otherwise, I believe submission is a gift to the Dom and that it should be respected as such.

I hope this article has given you a glimpse into what you can expect from a dominant/submissive contract. Please feel free to leave your comments below, tweet me, message me on Fetlife, or you can read my other thoughts on sex and sexuality on my blog, Mindchaotica.com. In the meantime make sure you keep it Lusty!


Jean-Luc Gothos is our resident pansexual geek. He's founder on Mindchaotica. He is also very active on Twitter, Facebook, G+, and Tumblr. I’m also a writer for Life On The Swingset, Kink~E Magazine, and he also reviews sex toys on EdenFantasys and writes for their sex positive online publication SexIs Social.

Have a question, comment or concern about this article? Please feel free to comment below.

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When most people think of BDSM and dominance, they think of spanking, whips, and pain. There's another side to BDSM that has nothing to do with pain play – humiliation play. It's the erotic pleasure of servitude and obedience to a Dominant partner. To some, it might seem abusive, but as along as there is clear communication and set boundaries, it is always consensual. Technogeisha of Life in the Swingset gives some insight into the eroticism of humiliation.

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In the realm of BDSM it can be an uncomfortable topic. Everyone is used to spanking, flogging, even bondage. These subjects can sometime seem, dare I say, pedestrian. Unfortunately, I don’t particularly enjoy pain play. Not on it’s own anyway. Even with an experienced Dominatrix (Dom) I only come close to the edge, but not over it. What takes me to that place involves hands intertwined in my hair, my head pulled back, being forced to my knees, being told what I can and cannot do, having to ask or even beg for release, and it all starts with the words, “Are you my dirty whore?”

It’s not just pain or forceful dominance. The power is also in the words – in the triggers. In the real world I don’t approve of the words, “whore” or “slut” being used to shame. I also don’t like being told what to do. Tell me not to do, say, or wear something and I’ll immediately want to do it. In the realm of play, though, the things I can’t abide in real life become erotic. These words, strongly delivered, are a turn on. I long to be told what to do. I want to give my Master complete control of me and enjoy every “Please, Sir” and “Thank you, Sir” I utter. I’m aroused by the fear of being punished for not completing a task or forgetting to ask permission. These triggers are strong and can even work when written. I’ve been reduced to a wet mess with just a text. It’s not about the smack on the ass or a cane across the thighs. It’s about the power exchange. It’s the ultimate mind-fuck.

At its core, erotic humiliation is about using embarrassment, fear and shame. These aspects can run the spectrum from verbal to physical. It’s also important to note that humiliation and dominance are not exactly the same thing. Humiliation doesn’t always involve being ordered about. Strict humiliation without dominance is when words and actions are used to belittle, not to dominate. The Dom, in the absence of dominance, is sometimes called a Humiliatrix. Personally, I like humiliation along with dominance and a good dose of bondage thrown in. It’s less about embarrassment for me than it is about giving up control.

Erotic humiliation itself can be broken down into a variety of verbal and physical forms. Verbal humiliation can mean the use of words like slut or whore; being mocked, ridiculed or having your appearance belittled; use of racial or ethnic slurs; asking permission to eat, to go to the bathroom or to have an orgasm; not allowing the Submissive (Sub) to leave the dungeon or house; treated like a pet or an object; being treated or scolded like a child; made to use honorifics such as Master, Mistress, Sir, Ma’am or Daddy. An example would be using demeaning language with the Sub, either in a forced feminization, a pet play or slave scene.

Physical aspects of humiliation can be; being slapped or spanked; having movements restricted; orgasm denial or orgasm on demand; sexual denial by command or use of chastity device; enforced dress code (i.e.: forced cross-dressing) or required to wear nothing; deprival of privacy such as being watched using the toilet; requiring to wear a collar; performing acts of body worship; performing tasks or acts of service; public humiliation; being used as furniture; being ejaculated on or spit on; used as a human toilet; cuckolding; performing sexual acts without reciprocation. Examples can be the use of spanking to humiliate like a child, using someone as a chair or footrest, forced oral sex or asking the sub to do something embarrassing in public.

Humiliation, just like pain play, requires discussion and negotiation beforehand to state desired play, set limits and agreement on safe words. It is important to establish a clear safe word in play where words like “no”, “stop”, “ow” or “help” can be part of the scenario. You also need to decide whether it will be played out as just a scene or be part of everyday life. As in open relationships, Communication is very important when multiple partners are involved. Different partners could have different rules and boundaries. It helps to have a Top that you trust & feel comfortable with. Erotic humiliation is about discovering erotic triggers. Constant communication on both sides of the Dominance/submission (D/s) relationship helps to know not only what works but also what doesn’t.

It can be difficult to understand why someone would find the eroticization of humiliation such a turn on. It can look frighteningly like abuse from the outside. It’s important to know that both the Dom/Top and the sub/bottom are engaging in play that arouses the other. Humiliation is not just about pleasuring yourself, but your play partner as well. The sub tells the Dom what they would and would not like to do, and vice versa, so it is always consensual. Even rape play that looks non-consensual was negotiated ahead of time with safe words and limits. Aftercare is just as important here as it is with pain play. Erotic humiliation is a mind game so there should be comfort and reassurance afterward.

I feel like this was only the tip of the iceberg on this topic. I can only hope it opened a small window into a kind of kink that has a tendency to live in the shadow of it’s pain play cousin. If you’d like to include some of this into your play the best way to start is talking to your partner. Do a little researching, a little soul-searching and start slowly if need be. There are books that cover the subject by authors such as Tristan Taormino and Midori, plus lots of erotica for inspiration. You can even find classes on erotic humiliation at popular adult stores, fetish events and dungeons. Humiliation is different things to different people. It may take both conversation and experimentation to find what works for you.

Spanking seems like a lost art to many non-kinksters. More than taboo, it seems like it could be painful or malicious. At GetLusty, we're all about educating so you do it right. Spanking can be really enjoyable. It can also provide a different set of sensations during your sex sessions than you normally don't get. Before doing the more kinky activities, we do recommend you read Jean-Luc Gothos Sexual Negotiation 101 and talk about consent. Always, always, always talk about it before you do it! Let each other know you're curious about doing something different. You know--shaking things up a little.

That being said, you heard from our long-time writer Ellen Dukes about whipping and flogging. Now, how about a more rounded out view on erotic spanking? We think this practice is rather sexy, so GetLusty's Rachel Colias is here to report on why and how you can try this erotic foreplay artfully.

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Have your fantasies ever included being disciplined? Do you become aroused by rough, consensual play? Is the idea of being someone’s submissive partner one you enjoy? If you answered yes to any of these questions, or are excited by the scenarios, you may be interested in exploring erotic spanking! The technical term for being aroused by spanking is spankophilia, and you don’t have to be on the receiving end to enjoy it! Spankophilia also includes becoming aroused by delivering a spanking to other parties.

As simple as spanking sounds, those here at GetLusty for Couples are here to explain how complex it can really be. Between different positions, toys, foreplay, costumes and role play, it can get more complicated than you’d think. But if erotic spanking is something you want to try, or if you want to mix up your spanking routine, I’m sure we can offer you a great selection to choose from!

The possibilities for erotic spanking are so extensive that we’ve decided to split the article up into two parts. This first part outlines different positions and toys that are great for spanking.

While many may assume erotic spanking is a more modern kink, there’s evidence that it actually dates back to around the sixth century b.c. The evidence for this being an image found in an Etruscan burial site depicting an eroticized flagellation, or, flogging. This erotic punishment also permeated quite a bit into Victorian culture and, more specifically, pornography. Of course it’s hard to say where and when it truly started, but it’s hardly outdated! Let’s get started on the basics.

Positions 

What better place to start than the how? It’s easy to assume that most positions include a person being in a bent over position, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be that bland. Here are a few tips on different ways to set up the act: (Remember! You can add ankle, wrist, or body restraints to any of these positions!)

#1 The spanker sits in the middle of a long couch,  while the spankee — person being spanked — lays stomach-down across their lap with their ass positioned directly over the spanker’s crotch. If the spanker happens to be male-bodied, this gives the spankee a wonderfully exciting sensation when he/she/they start(s) to become aroused. This is also a pretty comfortable position for the spankee.

#2 The spankee kneels on a couch or chair, facing backwards, bending over with their hands on the back of the furniture. The spanker stands in front of the couch or chair, facing the spankee’s back. This gives the spanker a pretty dominant position considering they’re practically standing over the spankee and is perfect for dominant/submissive play.

#3 The spankee lies stomach-down on the floor, ass either flat or slightly elevated if you want to tuck a pillow under the spankee’s stomach, while the spanker either stands or kneels above them.

#4 A modification to the previous option, the spankee can also lay stomach-down on a bed, table, or any other flat surface that allows for the spanker to stand over them.

#5 Both the spanker and spankee are standing for this one. The spankee leans slightly forward, hands either flat against a wall or holding on to something like a table or door frame. The spanker stands behind or slightly beside the spankee.

#6 Of course, the classic spankee bent over the spanker’s lap. This is different from the first scenario in that it’s generally performed in a chair where the spankee is entirely bent over, not just lying down. Again, if the spanker is male-bodied there’s an added pleasure bonus for the spankee!

#7 The spankee bends over a table, lying stomach-down on its surface, while the spanker stands behind.

#8 The spankee is bent over the shoulder or the arm of the spanker.

#9 Looking for something a little more serious and expensive? Try purchasing a spanking bench! This apparatus comes in quite a few positional styles and can include rings for restraints.

All of the above-mentioned techniques are suggestions that can easily be modified to fit different scenarios or furniture. If you have any personal favorites I haven’t mentioned, leave them in the comments below!

Toys

But what do we do with all these new, fun situations? Here are a few toys, or spanking tools, you can integrate into the process now that you’ve assumed the position:

#1 In honor of #SexToyTuesday, my first suggestion is Chicago’s Early To Bed Jack Boot Paddle (to the right). Be warned, this paddle is not for beginners or light dabblers. This boot-shaped paddle packs a punch! The boot print is made of rubber and the paddle wood, so there is NO give! When you get spanked, you will definitely feel it!

#2 If the serious-business paddles aren’t really your style, why not try the back of a hairbrush? It’s much smaller and while plastic or wood still stings, it’s easier and cheaper to experiment with. Similarly, you can use a wooden spoon.

#3 Another wooden option would be a cane, which comes in all lengths and girths.

#4 Standard paddle (comes in materials such as soft leather, rubber, or wood and can even be found with feathers or a soft material cover for a lighter sensation).

#5 Riding crop, which is long and generally comes with a handle on one end and small, flat spanking surface on the other. These are effective in causing quick, sharp and stinging sensations.

#6 The classic hand. While pretty standard and totally free, there is definitely a variety of techniques that can be used. These include flat hand with fingers spread, cupped hand, hard open palm, an immediate spank-and-grope, and basically anything else you can think of!

#7 Although this isn’t necessarily “spanking,” flogs and whips are also great for delivering a backside-beating.

As always, feel free to comment about your own favorite toys!

Do you know what it takes to be a dominant? Exchanging power in a relationship can both highten your awareness of power, and can make you both appreciate each other. Why not try out a little bit of dominance or role play? Not familiar with BDSM yet? No worries! Here are a few articles that will get you all caught up: Negotiation 101 and Getting Started with BDSM. Master Anakin, from Journey to the Darkside, defines 14 traits of a dominant partner.

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#1 Responsible 

You have to be responsible for yourself and for your submissive. You're the one responsible for developing a plan to move both of you forward in submission- a plan to grow.

#2 Energetic 

You've got to be action oriented, the opposite of lazy. You need to be tireless, or else when you have a spanking to deal with at the end of an 18 hour day, well, you've failed yourself and your submissive. Follow through or forget it.

#3 Communicative 

Be honest about your feelings. Don't give the submissive the sunshine and roses line if you're in a bad mood and are disappointed in her submission. You've got to also be able to draw out the submissive's innermost feelings, fears and hopes.

This can be extremely difficult, as the submissive can sometimes be completely unaware of their own feelings, as you can be of yours. Dig deep and be honest and you'll grow.

#4 Empathetic 

If you can't empathize with your submissive, to see things from their perspective, than how can you give them what they want and need? You must talk at length to know them better than they know themselves.

#5 Self-awareness

A Dominant is hardly perfect, and will make mistakes- don't think otherwise. Be aware of your failings, and work on them just as much as you work on your submissive's feelings. Grace and humility go a long way.

#6 Perseverance 

You must never, ever let it go; this goes hand in hand with consistency; you can't fight your submissive for three days to achieve a level of submission then just give up. You've got to push until you get a breakthrough no matter how long it takes. You can't give up or give your submissive the sense that you will ever give up in doing what is best for you both.

#7 Desire to learn

As a Dominant, you never just wake up and know it all as an instant expert on dominance, submission, implements of pain and pleasure, positions, knots, and the lifestyle. You have got to learn. Learn lots, and never ever bluff that you know it all; nobody does.

#8 Intelligence 

You need to have the emotional intelligence and raw intellect to be smarter than your submissive, at least the majority of the time. If the submissive can play you for a fool, how can you be the teacher and guide in life?

#9 Strength 

You've got to have the strength of will and leadership qualities to overcome the difficulties that always, always come your way in being a Dominant. Own them and deal with them with this strength.

#10 Interest

You've got to want to be a dominant. In my opinion, without desire or a hunger to be someone's dominant, you aren't a dom. Unless you are wanting it, you wont put in the time to learn and grow as a Dominant; to follow through on all you need to do; you'll resent it, and you won't do it well.

#11 Character  

A general quality but important nevertheless. You must have honesty, integrity, and be respectful of others at all times. If you do not then how can you expect your submissive to show you any integrity and character? How will they learn?

#12 A sense of humor 

If you can't laugh at yourself when you've just given a dominant look to your submissive and are approaching your submissive with the paddle in hand when you slip and fall on your ass from the KY you spilled on the floor, well, you just don't get it.

#13 A sense of justice, fairness, and balance 

Being a Dominant isn't barking orders and sitting on your ass eating chips while watching the game. You work hard too, harder than your submissive. If your submissive has had a day from hell, maybe it isn't the day to start a new and harsh training regimen. Knowing when to ease up is a true art; do it too much, or never, and you'll not be doing your job.

#14 Consistent

If you'll punish something one time and let it go another, what's a submissive supposed to think, or learn, or do? I'd be lost too if I didn't know what to expect day to day.

This was a guest-post from Anakin and Padme Amidala at Journey to the Dark Side. Their blog explores their life together, BDSM, erotic imagery, polyamory, and their true sexual and spanking adventures...with an awesome Star Wars theme! Anakin and Padme have been together for 15 years and married for 7 of them.

When most people think of BDSM relationships they don't imagine happy and fulfilling relationships. Many think about kinky sex and debauchery. The truth is, some couples find beautiful and loving fulfillment in a BDSM relationship. It can teach you the often forgotten fundamentals of being in a relationship. GetLusty writer Crimson Love reports on the five ways BDSM can teach you a thing or two about your own relationship.

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#1 Negotiation and compromise 

In a BDSM relationship, negotiation and compromise is key. If you have hard limits (things you will not do under any circumstance) there is no compromise. However, soft limits can often be negotiated and compromised as well as punishments. In "vanilla" relationships, you can use compromise when it comes to household responsibilities like taking out the garbage. You can even use negotiation for date nights. The best part is you can make negotiation and compromise fun and sexy. If you scratch my back, I'll lick your... But to an extent, BDSM relationships have to use this.

#2  Patience

Patience is important when you are a submissive who is learning or a dominant who is teaching. You must learn the rules and schedules. You have to be patient with your lover during times of turbulence and times of happiness. Be patient when things like chores aren't finished right away. You're love for one another will grow. Of course, as long as you communicate, you'll both be all the better for it.

#3 Discipline 

This is extremely important. A submissive must display disciplined behavior in accordance with their rules and contract. You can't act however you please. The same goes for a dominant. You must have discipline when it comes to the care for your sub. In a vanilla relationship, you have be disciplined as well. You must realize that you can't do whatever you want. You have to always take your partner into consideration.

#4 Trust 

Trust is the biggest part of a BDSM relationship for both parties. As a submissive, you must trust that your dominant will take care of you and not cross your limits. As a dominant, you must trust that your submissive will be faithful and honor your relationship--both publicly and privately. It's not any different in a vanilla relationship. Trust is a two-way street that must be maintained. When you cultivate trust, your relationship is healthier and happier.

#5 Worth 

A healthy BDSM relationship is good for reminding you about your worth. In BDSM relationships, you are reminded of your worth through each others actions, need for each other and praise. The same goes for vanilla relationships. When your lover motivates you and pushes you to do your best, your self-worth improves.

Take a few notes from BDSM relationships. Of course, not every relationship is perfect. But if we all work to make improvements in our own relationships--we can all be better! Because in the end, it's all about the love and happiness between partners.



This is a post by GetLusty writer Crimson Love. Crimson is our resident fetish expert. If you don't see Crimson out dining with her adoring boyfriend, you'll find her reading books on innovation or finance. Crimson is currently finishing off her Bachelor's, she is passionate about food, photography, music and especially sex--and she's not afraid to talk about it. With everyone! Have story ideas? Get in touch with Crimson at amber@getlusty.com.

We talk about BDSM frequently, so we thought we'd re-hash this out. What is BDSM, anyway? Like snowflakes, there are so many varieties! And of course, you might want to know about all the different kinds starting with the slightly kinky? Of course, we use these terms synonymously. But let's start again with the basics. Knowing the basics may add ideas to your usual routine. So why not? GetLusty kinkster and guest writer Amy Obey returns with BDSM basics.

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Think bondage is only for serious kinksters, weirdoes-of-the-night, or fetish porn stars? Think again. And if you've read 50 Shades of Grey and deem yourself an expert on all things kink, think again, again. You aren't. Unfortunately, the Fifty Shades of Grey book doesn't even come close to representing the vast array of sex practices, ideologies, and subcultures that fall under the category of BDSM.

Definition: From my perspective, BDSM stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism.

Curious on the multiple kinds of BDSM included? Read on.

• Submissive/dominant 
• Slave/ master (or any kind of power exchange as included below)
• Power exchange
• Bondage and discipline
• Sadomasochism (specifically, pain play)
• Sensation play

It encompasses all these things, and much, much more. In fact, there is no tried-and-true definition of BDSM. However, the glue that holds this slippery concept together is a fierce code of consensuality and power play. There are millions of sexy ways to play with power. Most common are role play, pain play, and of course bondage.

There's no denying that bondage is one of the most visible practices in BDSM. Bondage will always be popular, but it's really only the tip of the whip. Luckily for kink-curious couples, it's easy to learn and experiment with.

You don't need to be into hard-core pain, and you don't need a fancy St. Andrew's Cross to experience spine-tickling bondage sex with your partner. You don't even need to wear a corset, which in my opinion is a form of self-bondage, but bonus points for those who do.

Before reading, make sure you check out our recommendations on sexual negotiation.

There are so many varieties!

After you and your partner have honestly discussed your limits, preferences and safe words, try getting some bondage tape. It's inexpensive and available at most sex stores. It only sticks to itself and can be removed easily in the case of an emergency. You can use it for a gag, tying your partner's limbs together, or tying your partner to the bed, the banister. You name it. After the submissive partner is properly immobilized, the top can have his/her way with them.

Because our genitals and gender have little to do with negotiating the power exchange that occurs during bondage, it is something both women and men of all sexual orientations and genders can enjoy. After a partner is put in bondage, based on pre-negotiated practices, the domme may lovingly use their power for pleasure. Whether or not you make love while tied up is not the be all and end all. The genital-focused sex is really only one hue that reflects off the prism of human sexuality.

Maybe what really gets you going is a well-placed smack of a riding crop. Either way, that's OK. The goal: enjoy it and get pleasure (and a new experience) out of it!

Amy Obey is a feminist, kinkster and sex radicalism advocate. She wants to see a world where freedom of sexual expression is not just a right, but a way to celebrate the wonderful diversity of humanity. 'Love thy sexy self' is her mantra. She loves origin stories and questions that lead to more questions. She also loves rock 'n' roll, animals, rock 'n' roll animals, and harping on about the kids these days. She is 25 and lives in Logan Square.

Erotic orgasm denial is supremely hot. Though we've just been introduced to this idea, it already sounds fabulous. And it's the weekend, what better time to try new things sexually? On top of that, we just love articles by Portia Blush. Without adieu, Portia Blush, our master of female domination, is here to talk about erotic orgasm denial.

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You've heard that old adage, "Tis' better to give than to receive", right? Orgasm has long been the goalpost that most of us look forward to reaching during our sexual escapades, so much so that sometimes we lose sight of enjoying ourselves in the pleasure of the moment. When sex is goal-oriented and we become fixated in whether or not we're going to climax, it can actually lessen our pleasure, rather than heighten it. This anxiety over whether or not one is going to climax or not, or how long it's taking to reach that point, can actually inhibit the very thing we crave. But what if we took the goal away? What if suddenly there was no finish line?

What is erotic denial?

Erotic orgasm denial, or sometimes called "tease and denial" play, takes away the goal of orgasm, and helps your partner not only focus on the pleasure they are giving, but also heightens the pleasure they are receiving.

Orgasm Denial is the practice of withholding and/or denying orgasm during sexual activity in order to maintain a heightened state of arousal for an extended time. Within a D/s (dominant/submissive) bond in a BD/SM relationship, it is also used as a method of, or reinforcement of, control. For it to be most effective, a degree of familiarity with your partner is paramount; knowing the subtle (and not so subtle) cues of their stages of arousal will be needed for you to learn where their orgasmic edge lies. Intimate knowledge of your partner's sexual response will help you to know how, where, and when to vary the intensity and timing of the stimulation accurately. The amount of time orgasm is withheld varies upon many factors, just as the reasons for doing so, and can range from hours, to days, or even months! Although the word "denial" may sound controlling, please know that this type of play is consensual, and not forced. Both partners are willing and hopefully eager, participants.

The numerous degrees of orgasm denial

Orgasm Denial can include several different degrees of play. "Edging", or "tease and denial", is when you stimulate your partner almost to the point of orgasm, but then reduce or stop the stimulation just prior to climax, only to then work up to that point again, and repeat the process. This style can be done in short or long-term scenarios, as decided by between lovers. Enforced Chastity is another form of orgasm denial in which orgasm is not only controlled and denied, but other sexual stimulation as well. It can also include masturbation, in addition to partner sexual exchange. This can be done through just verbal command and acceptance, or through more extreme measures by using chastity enforcement devices.

The joys of Orgasm Denial can be experienced within the context of a D/s relationship in BD/SM play, or it can be shared between two partners who just want to enjoy experimenting with new forms of erotic sexual play. No matter what your relationship style the benefits are the same; sustained, intensified pleasure. Also, orgasm control can be shared between couples of varying gender configurations. Please know that I am writing this article from the viewpoint of a woman with primarily male lovers, so I am referring mostly here to male orgasm denial, though the characteristics of female orgasm denial are extensively similar.

Top 5 Reasons to Try Orgasm Denial

#1 Heightened Sensations

While one might think of denying orgasm as incredibly limiting to pleasure, it's actually the opposite. By withholding orgasm you force your partner to remain in a place of sustained arousal, and that arousal continues to build upon itself, instead of decreasing through the release of orgasm. When you don't allow your partner to fall over that climactic edge, the erotic energy magnifies, making even the subtlest of stimulation that much more intense than before. Your partner will experience your touch at a whole new level. Suddenly the person being denied the orgasm will rediscover kisses, touches, and other pleasures that had become routine.

#2 The Big "O" Just Got Bigger

When you deny your partner an orgasm by continually bringing them to the precipice of their edge, but never allowing them to fall over, you increase their ability to sustain that state of arousal for longer and longer periods of time. This allows the person being denied the orgasm to experience that heightened pleasure for longer periods of time, but also now is able to focus intently on the pleasure in the moment, without the pressure of progressing towards climax. After remaining in this tide of the ebb and flow of this state of intensified arousal, when they are allowed to come, the orgasmic pleasures experienced will be intensified above and beyond those felt during a typical sexual experience. Some people say that even their most pleasurable peaks were no comparison to those reached after being denied orgasm for periods of time.

#3 Increased Sexual Frequency 

Heightened sensations mean heightened enjoyment, and the longer you remain in that heightened state of arousal, the more often you want to be experiencing sexual sensations. The person is stimulated that much easier, as they are almost in a constant state of arousal because they have yet to complete the arousal cycle through orgasmic release. It can become almost a constant state of desire. And what does this mean for you? More sex! They will want to have sex more often, and you get the reap the benefits!

#4 Rediscovery of Your Partner  

Ladies, restricting his orgasms, and exercising control over whether or not he has one, and when , will have him focussed on pleasing you! When his orgasm is restricted, your lover will become more tuned in to you, and will learn how to put your pleasures before their own. It will help him relearn the exquisite pleasure of a lingering deep kiss, or a soft caress, as they no longer are markers along the way to orgasm, but now the main course to savor. Orgasm Denial teaches your partner how to derive pleasure from pleasing his partner; you!

#5 The Joy of Surrender  

Power Exchange can be incredibly erotic in itself, so what better way to enhance your intimacy then by surrendering the control of your most intimate, personal acts; orgasms. It can be highly arousing to give yourself over to another this way, and allow yourself to experience how freeing giving up control can be. When we are expected to be in charge of so much in life, surrendering the responsibility to your lover to take care of you can be not only a relief, but intoxicatingly powerful.

It's always exciting to try new experiences together, especially in the bedroom. Orgasm Denial may be that next new thing on your horizon to bring you closer together! While I understand it may not be everyone's erotic cup of tea, I encourage you to have an open mind, and consider that Orgasm Denial play may have something to offer you and your lover. As always, play safe, and most of all, have fun my fellow sexplorers!

Seeking to shatter the myth that "nice girls don't talk about sex", and somehow trying to survive her mid-30's in suburbia without large doses of vodka, Portia Blush is a saucy Sapiosexual who shares with an infectious wit and a candid vulnerability about her explorations of sex, love, intimacy, kink, the occasional obsession, and everything in between; one true story at a time.

She has over 10 years experience playing Switchy in the BD/SM scene, and has explored a myriad of relationship configurations from monogamous to poly. She holds a BFA from some hoity-toity NYC art school, and still ponders the meaning of life on a regular basis. Follow her on Twitter @erogenousblog and Facebook and of course, ErogenoUS her blog.