Would a Threesome Hurt My Relationship?

Thinking about a threesome with your partner? Before throwing a third person into bed, consider the possible dangers. Will it benefit the relationship, or hurt it? Will jealousy haunt you or your partner? These are the things you need to discuss with your loved one. J. Cameron Gantt offers some sound advice on the complications of a sexual trinity.

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Dear GetLusty for Couples, 

I have been with my partner for one year and so far things are pretty good. A few months ago, he and I were discussing our fantasies and he let me know that he would like to try a threesome. He has never tried it, but I have had a few in the past. I am not completely opposed to the idea, but I am a little afraid of how this would affect our relationship. I have never been in a threesome with a boyfriend and though I want to keep our sex-life exciting, I don’t know if this is something we should explore. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Room41More

Hey Room41More, 

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your concerns. I can tell this is a tricky situation for you and you have some fear surrounding the possibility of engaging in a 3-way with your partner so I hope I am able to help you.

I applaud you and your partner for being open with each other about your sexual wants and needs. There’s nothing sexier than being able to swap fantasies with your partner and seeing what you can do to make it happen.

Here’s the thing about threesomes: There are so many things you have to consider. Is your relationship strong enough to handle a threesome? Who’s going to be the 3rd participant? Will it be a stranger or someone you know? Will one of you enjoy it more than the other? Will someone feel left out? What if it goes really well and it becomes a regular thing? What if it goes bad – will he blame you?

You can’t predict what’s going to happen after everything has been said and done. No matter what you do, sometimes things just don’t work out the way you want them to, especially when you are dealing with more than one person.

I know that one year may seem like a long period of time, especially in gay relationships, but honestly you guys are still fairly new as a couple. You guys are still getting to know each other and to introduce this new dynamic into your relationship so soon may complicate things. You’re already fearful about the possibility of engaging in a threesome with him so I would advise you to trust your gut on this one. Archive this fantasy and save it for when you feel more comfortable doing it with him.

Here are 2 things you can do to make sure you are ready to invite a guest into your sex life.

#1 Keep the communication going

Based on what you have described, you and your partner seem to be pretty open with each other about the possibility of having a threesome. Keep it up! Feel each other out and make sure you both are on the same page as to why a 3-way would benefit your relationship. I know it sounds sappy, but be honest about your feelings. Don’t say you are okay with it if it’s not the way you feel. Pretending to be okay with it will just lead him on and he will be expecting that threesome to happen.

Should you decide to make that threesome a reality, make sure you and your partner set boundaries to protect your relationship. Maybe you don't want him kissing or penetrating the third person. Think about the possible awkwardness afterwards – does the third party leave right after, does the person spend the night? Your fear of a threesome stems from specific concerns. Make a list of things that would hurt or anger you – just imagine this other person touching your partner and see how it makes you feel.

#2 Try a different fantasy before you try the 3-Way

You have so many options to explore if you are serious about spicing up your sex life. Sex toys, role play, voyeurism, BDSM… the list goes on. These are all things that you can do with him that do not require additional participants. GetLusty.com is your personal playbook for hot sex with your mate. Make sure you check out some of our other content and see what piques your interest.

I hope this helps you and I wish you the best of luck in your relationship.

Sincerely,
J. Cameron Gantt

J. Cameron Gantt is a Matchmaker and Certified Professional Coach specializing in gay dating and relationships. He is the founder of Insti(Gay)tor,  a Chicago-based matchmaking agency for the gay community and has dedicated to his time to helping gay singles find love and live their best gay lives.

Cameron currently serves as an expert contributor on a variety of dating websites including Yourtango and Singleswarehouse. He also hosts a variety of GLBT singles events in the Chicagoland area. Connect with him on Twitter @instigaytor, Facebook and at Instigaytor.com.