actress dance

Is it cheating when your partner looks for sexual arousal on the internet? Most of us understand why we look at porn. Many couples even enjoy it together, but what about live chatting? If you caught your partner chatting with a naked web girl/guy, would you be upset? When a person has direct contact with another person, and one of them are taking part in a sexual activity, isn't that cheating? Let's here from the She Said He Said team, Josie and Eli, about this cyber dilemma.

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Dear Sexes: My husband watches porn which is fine. That really doesn’t bother me but what bothers me is when he live chats with them. I told him I consider that cheating in a way and it needs to stop if he wants to continue this marriage. And he always needs to look up naked actresses and he does when I am right next to him but he thinks I don’t notice. Why, in your opinion, do you think he does that? Is it me?

She Said: Without knowing your husband, it’s hard to say why he’s doing this, but I feel pretty confident in saying that there’s nothing about you that causes him to do it.

First, there’s nothing inherently wrong with him looking at porn or even chatting with the live chat women. Always remember that they are hired and paid to be sex workers, they do not love him or care about him. They’re not your competition. They’re just performing a service.

That being said, your boundaries for what are acceptable to you in this monogamous relationship are extremely important. You do get to decide what you’re comfortable with, and he has an obligation to hear you and respect your boundaries.

In this case, figure out what you find acceptable and what you do not. Maybe looking at porn is fine for you, but live chats aren’t. Maybe you’d rather know that he’s looking at the naked actresses than have him keep those things a secret.

Whatever you decide, you have to be clear with him about how you feel when he live-chats, and clear about your boundaries. Find out from him what he truly believes he can honestly commit to, as far as his own boundaries and make sure you’re ready to be receptive to whatever truth he may share with you. If you’re going to freak out and call him names or threaten to leave him just to get him to say he’ll stop doing it, he’s not going to be able to trust you with the truth.

And you need the truth. So be the person he can tell the truth to, to the very best of your abilities. Once you know those truths, and his baseline level of commitment and boundaries, then take some time to decide if that’s the life you want to lead. It may very well be that once it’s all laid out there for you, the relationship will be worth him having cyber sex with a sex worker. It could also be that you will never ever be happy in a relationship with someone who is doing that.

There are no judgements coming at you from us no matter what you decide. Relationships work in millions of different ways, at millions of different levels of sexual commitment—all the way from the couple who were both virgins when they met, to couples who are very happily polyamorous and everywhere in between. There’s no shame in you being okay with him live-chatting. I would only be concerned if you said you were okay with it when you truly weren’t, and either started lying about your comfort or putting him in a position where he feels he must hide it from you.

Your job now is to figure out what is going to be best for you. Then the two of you need to figure out how to best serve both your needs while respecting both of your boundaries. In this case, I strongly suggest seeking help from a therapist or couples counselor. A certified sex therapist would probably be even better.

If you can’t find a happy compromise, then you leave. Your happiness and sense of well-being is crucial here. Don’t push them aside because you’re telling yourself that his actions are somehow because of you.

He Said: If I had a dollar for every time we received a question about boyfriends/husbands watching porn I could treat myself to a decent night out on the town. Watching porn isn’t a relationship crime. Often, I can partially defend a boyfriend/husband porn-surfing with the explanation that men are visual, and their porn watching is merely a quick quenching of their aesthetic thirsts (and in most cases, this activity has no reflection on the passion/excitement between partners).

However, I can’t defend the indefensible. Live chats with porn girls is something entirely different. Your husband’s not just looking, now he’s interacting, talking/typing, exchanging, etc.. Only you can decide what’s cheating to you, but personally, I would consider this a form of cheating. Your husband is spending time with live women (through a computer screen), and his interactions are most likely of the seductive/flirtatious sort. Additionally, the time he’s spending live chatting with these porn girls, he could be spending on his relationship with you.

Regardless, it only matters how you and your husband define these actions. If you’ve already expressed to your husband how this behavior hurts you, he needs to explain himself and/or adjust his behavior. If he continues with his live chatting ways, either he doesn’t understand how much you’re offended, or he doesn’t care (or maybe he’s addicted to the attention). Giving him the benefit of the doubt (that he cares about you and is not a bad guy), make him understand! You’ve made it clear to us how much this behavior bothers you. Make sure you’re just as clear with your husband. Live chatting with your love should always be more satisfying than live chatting with strangers.

Josie is a writer living in Los Angeles. Though she has a tight circle of female friends, she's always been a guy's gal. This advice column came about because her best girls kept begging her to ask her guy friends for sex and dating advice on their behalf. She realized that the advice they offered was honest and direct--and completely different than the advice women offered each other.

Eli is an indie-rock musician living in New York City. He loves his football and hockey as much as the next red-blooded male. But when it comes to relationships and love, he's really a true romantic. His friends (female and male) are always asking him for his dating/relationship advice due to his genuine caring, perceptiveness, and honesty. He always calls it like he sees it, and usually sees it very well. 'Like' them on Facebook.

It's never to late to ponder about all the fabulous things that happened in 2012 (think: GetLusty)! We loved this one so much, we put it back on the shelf as a, "Best of"!

At some point in our lives, we have all seen pornography. But have you watched any feminist porn? Feminist porn is gaining wide popularity. There is even the annual Good for Her Feminist Porn Awards! We've already blogged about 11 Must See Feminist Porn Sites. Now it's time to discuss what makes feminist porn so different from common, traditional, male-driven porn. If you have not seen feminist porn, then you are in for some very big differences! Our Crimson Love reports.

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Everyone I know has seen porn at some point in their life, whether it was by accident or on purpose. We have all watched the blondes with big boobs and dramatic makeup caked on have sex with the ridiculously hot men with the six packs and huge cocks.

The moaning, writhing, and weird faces that traditional porn stars make is fake and very bad acting. However, feminist porn is different from the norm. Here are 7 major differences that set feminist porn apart!

#1 Solid story lines

One of the biggest differences in feminist porn versus regular male driven porn is that the story line tends to be more solid. There is a beginning, a middle and an end and it's all developed through the course of the movie. Also, the characters have more complexity to them.

#2 Characters are more true to life 

Have you ever thought, "That'd sexy scene would absolutely never happen in my life." In many feminist porn flicks, you'll find people of different ages, shapes, gender identities, sexualities and sizes. In regular porn everyone looks like Barbie and Ken, or like a living blow up doll.

#3 Less degrading to women 

We were just Tweeting about gang bang rape acts. This kind of 'porn' sometimes have women crying "rape" and not looking like they're enjoying themselves. How the hell is that supposed to be a turn on to women? The acts and things that happen in feminist porn are not degrading but empowering. Feminist porn more accurately depicts real female fantasies, as opposed to traditional porn's false depictions of what it thinks women enjoy sexually. Think of Beautiful Agony, where you have real people masturbating and featuring real orgasms! HOT!

#4 More artful 
 
Feminist porn tends to be more artfully produced and directed than regular porn. Think of Erika Lust's films. Even just the picture emphasizes the importance of art and elegance in sexuality. It's essential! It's sexy! It's feminist porn! The cinematography is more thoughtful and it is way less cheesy.

#5 Better acting

People--women, men and genders from all colors of the spectrum--actually tell their emotions on their faces and in their acting. If actors are having a fabulous time, it shows! If they're not, that shows, too! I'm not saying it's Oscar worthy (depending on the feminist pornographer), but many adult films especially for ladies have more actual... acting! They're movies, right? Makes sense. The moaning and orgasms are less likely to be fake. There is even some comedy thrown in! Have you seen Bike Smut? It can be hot and hilarious.

# 6 More sensuality

In comparison to regular male driven porn, there is more sensuality and there seems to be more appreciation for the body. Traditional porn only focuses on getting to the banging scenes- i.e. kiss, kiss boobs, bang. It's quick! In feminist porn, the process is more about appreciating the body rather than using it.

#7 Better wardrobe/costumes 

Ever notice how costumes in regular porn look like they came from a Halloween store? Well the costumes in feminist porn are better. They aren't as cheap and are more realistic!

With these differences in mind, go to watch some regular porn and some feminist porn! See the differences for yourself!

With love from, GetLusty!

Erika Lust is amazing as a feminist pornographer. Starting in only 2004, her films became explosively popular within several months. Why? She has a unique, sexy and dare we say, lusty, style. Lust Films has had prolific success and as you'll see Erika's passion is likely the biggest reason for the success of Lust Films. And what better way to solute this gorgeous, talented and incredibly smart woman than finding out more of her perspective on why she's so passionate? Read on!

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1. What is your definition of ‘feminist porn’?

Feminist porn is in direct opposition with most of the other kinds out there. It’s mission is to represent the female voices that are so absent from mainstream porn, yet so needed in order for pornography as a whole to represent anything close to an actual, positive sexual experience. Feminist porn is created in an effort to give power and importance to women’s sexuality.

2. What are the major differences between the porn you make and mainstream, male-dominated porn? How do your films aim to challenge stereotypes?

There are so many differences; I hardly know where to start! The whole reason I decided to make films is because of what I saw lacking in the mainstream industry. What’s immediately noticeable is the technical quality – I shoot everything with top-notch HD cameras, give major importance to lighting, and invest my time in finding great locations, sets, and musicians for the original soundtrack during a lengthy pre-production phase.

Another large part of pre-production is casting, which I spend more time on that I expect any mainstream director to. I’m not particular about looks so long as they are natural, people like you and me, but am very specific about attitude when I interview. Do they like their job? Their body? Sex in general? Do they hide their work from friends and family? Do they do it for the money only?

The answers to these questions really determine whether or not we’ll work well together, which effects the whole film. The actors have to be right for the role, which is something I think that sets me apart from mainstream films. I really do want to make films where the story is pivotal to enjoying the film. Without this, the sexual situations just seem ridiculous! The final thing I get a lot of good feedback on, besides the natural-looking actors, is the natural sex. I try and portray something akin to the type of sex people are actually having – none of this athletic, choreographed, fantasy sex for fantasy’s sake alone.

3. The films you make are often highly artistic. What’s your reasoning behind that?

It has always been my goal to merge traditional filmmaking with explicit content. Most filmmakers (in the US anyway) spend lots of time and money on aesthetics, characters, stories, and shy away from sexual content for ratings & audience reasons. Even if the sexual content is extremely graphic, as long as it’s not totally explicit, it’s acceptable. Meanwhile in mainstream porn, there is an obvious lack in any of the qualities listed above, but an abundance of sex, sterile and scripted though it may be. It’s either one or the other these days, with just a few notable exceptions: titles like 9 Songs, Shortbus, and Matinee. It’s among these pioneering directors that I wish to create, which means I strive for harmony between quality camerawork, an original soundtrack, fresh stories and scripts, rounded characters, believable situations, and beautiful sex.

4. What are some misconceptions or myths about the porn industry that you wish to debunk?

I think the single biggest misconception that I have to debunk regularly (to people’s disappointment), is that I am indeed running a business. People assume that, because I’m in the adult industry, that sexy naked people run around Lust Films having dildo-fights or something. I have to explain that, no, it’s an office – my time on the set while making a film is miniscule compared to the amount of time I’m at my desk or traveling – where regular staff, not actors, are hard at work. Sorry! We do have a lot of fun, but everyone is fully clothed, and very professional.

5. Are your films made specifically for women or do they aim to connect with an audience that includes men as well?

I started out making films that communicated my vision of sex and the erotic, and because it was a feminine view, I attracted an enormous following of women viewers. The original aim was to offer something that appealed to women, since so little of the adult industry is concerned with that. In the years since releasing my first film, a significant number of men have joined my following as well. And after women, couples are my greatest viewership. I think this shows that my films appeal to anyone who wants something different from porn, and I’m glad that both genders are included in this.

6. Do you think feminist porn is couples-friendly?

Absolutely! I get a ton of positive feedback from couples saying that they had a great experience. Whether it was the first time they’d ever explored porn together, or just the first time they’d seen that specific film, they enjoy our films! Watching an erotic film together could be the ultimate fantasy for some people, or it may open doors to new ones – like exploring fetishes, trying new positions or even making a film of one’s own! The key here is communication, and watching films together can really get the ball rolling, especially if you’re having a hard time explaining what you want, or what you fantasize about trying.

7. What do you think the future holds for the small but growing feminist porn market?

The term ‘growing’ is key here. All different types of indie porn are expanding thanks to the modern producer-consumer relations, technology, and sheer exposure. As the audience expands, more quality, varied films will exist, so that maybe someday everyone can find a type of erotic content that suits them. I think the future will see more indie films becoming household names (like those from the ‘golden age’), a massive increase in women enjoying porn and erotica, more interest and sales in products for female pleasure, and the overall re-thinking of human sexuality to include more feminine elements.

8. What are you excited about in the next 6-12 months?

I am in the middle of a few projects at the moment, so there’s a lot to be excited about! An erotic novel I just finished should be published early in the New Year. I’m also in the pre-production status with a new film, which will be completely unlike my others in a lot of ways. You’ll have to stay tuned for more updates on those!

More about Erika Lust

Erika Lust is an award-winning writer and erotic film director. She was born in Sweden in 1977 and currently lives in Barcelona, where she founded Lust Films in 2004.

Erika made her first film, The Good Girl, in 2004. The Good Girl, was distributed for free on the Internet and downloaded 2,000,000 times in the first few months after its release, winning the NINFA prize for the Best Short Film in the 2005 Internacional Erotic Film Festival in Barcelona (FICEB). With such a great response to her first film, she quickly moved on to bigger projects.

In 2007, Erika wrote and directed her first feature film, Five Hot Stories for Her, a compilation of five short films created specifically for women and couples. The Good Girl was included in this quintet. Five Hot Stories for Her took away the prize for Best Screenplay at the Barcelona Erotic Cinema Festival (2007), Best Film for Women at Venus Berlin (2007), Honourable Mention at CineKink New York (2008), and Film of the Year at the Feminist Porn Awards in Toronto (2008).

Next came Barcelona Sex Project, an independent experimental documentary exploring the lives, personalities, and orgasms of six Barcelona residents, which was awarded Best Erotic Documentary at Venus Berlin (2008) and an Honourable Mention at the Feminist Porn Awards in Toronto (2009); Life Love Lust, the highly anticipated follow up to Five Hot Stories for Her, and the publication of three books: Good Porn, The Erotic Bible to Europe, and Love Me Like You Hate Me. Erika’s latest film, Cabaret Desire, was released in October 2011. An adult film set in Barcelona’s ‘Poetry Brothel,’ she’s fond to call it “my biggest project to date, my best, I think, and my most personal.”

From there, Erika has worked on numerous other films, of which you can find out more on Lust Cinema. Also, follow Lust Films on Facebook and Twitter @erikalust.

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